It's the imperfections that make us perfect

It's the imperfections that make us perfect to another person. The way that someone might keep using the same grammar incorrectly or the way they may not understand everything. These things make another person more dear to us than a perfect person could ever be. The way they don't like their nose that makes you love it even more, the way that they sometimes break the mood that makes a situation personal, rather than some generic story in a book. The way people don't live up to expectations, but rather take off in a different direction that turns out to be even more gratifying than the original 'perfect' one. Or even habits that differ from ours, and even change our lifestyles. If people were perfect we would all be boring shells, each person the same, and nothing different. Life would become a sequence that we know all too well, like reading a book over and over again. There would be no surprises, and there would be nothing to separate those we love from those we hate. Everyone would just be part of a giant monotony. This is why we are human, this is why we are imperfect. This imperfection makes us perfect.

The Past

Sometimes I am afraid to look into people's pasts for fear of finding something I won't like. I guess it might be a little irrational, because after all, how can we know someone without knowing their past, but at other times, I like the way I know and understand some people and am afraid that will change if I know their past.

Maybe this fear is born out of the fact that the past I don't know about is a past without me in it, and maybe I am afraid of what I have no influence over and no responsibility for. Maybe it is because I know my own past and what has happened in my own past that I fear the pasts of others. Or maybe it is all born out of an overactive imagination that I can't put away, and sometimes have a hard time distinguishing from what actually happens. Sometimes I even imagine thoughts, of my own and of others, that never happened or arn't true, but then I am afraid they will become true, even for an instant.

college major

So today I decided to change my major after talking to this girl in the bathroom. We talked about studying abroad and wanting to learn different things and the complications of the college administrative red-tape. I told her about how I was going to be a physics major (back then it was I am) but how there wasn't really anything I wanted to do with the degree. I don't want to do research and I don't want to teach. Other than that I can't really think of much else I can do with the degree without getting another degree.

After our little chat she went to the bar and I went back to my room, suddenly thinking about why I couldn't be an East Asian Studies major instead. It is actually something that really interests me, as opposed to physics which I'm just simply good at (although that is slowly becoming a lie as I lose interest). But with an East Asian Studies major (or EAST for short) I could find so many more jobs without getting another degree; and that along with the fact that it interests me so much more makes it seem so much more appealing.

However, this writing has gotten me thinking, what if I actually don't have any talent for EAST. What if my talent lies solely in the sciences and the only reason I got better grades in humanities classes was that I put a whole lot more effort into them. I don't remember my ideas being any more original than anyone else's. I don't remember being able to analyze anything particularly well. Mostly I just said stuff that seemed obvious to everyone else.

I think, now that I think of it, I'm actually going to just declare both majors and see which one wins out.

(maybe I should be a psych major with all this thinking about thinking I do)

up and can't sleep...save me

so, I'm awake and can't sleep. I keep thinking about things, and I just want to sleep, but it's one of those times where I can't help it. I kept thinking about how I wish there was someone else here with me. Then a little while ago I started to think about why, and I think it might be the fact that with someone else here I'd be able to stop thinking about what's going on in my head and think more about the other person. This would let me move my conscious out of my own head and finally be able to rest.

Another reason though, that having another person here would help is that I'm just so damn lonely. I try not to admit it because that makes me sad but it's true. If only I had someone to hold, or even if I could concentrate my thoughts on one person, it would help. Of course, if it was the second option, it'd help alot if the feeling was mutual. It's nice to think that someone else is thinking about you at the same time.

Since, however, I don't have one person to hold, kiss, or event think about, I'm just stuck here. I just keep thinking about how nice it would be to have someone here. I mean, there are people I think about, but I keep skipping between different people where there could possibly, in some crazy world where my life actually made sense, be something. But that's even part of the problem. If I keep skipping between people who I don't know the feelings of, I keep wondering and that makes it even worse.

To be honest, I've been mainly thinking about one girl specifically. But because I don't know how she feels towards me, I keep wondering, and then I start wondering about other girls, and the unending process begins again.

Well, wish me luck. I'm going to go try and fall asleep again.

Discovering New Music

So, at work we recently got XM radio and they have this station that plays what I think is Top 40 radio.   (By the way, I work at a cupcake shop so this should of been expected by me.  Also, don't give me shit for working in a cupcake shop, it's a whole lot more interesting than working in a clothing shop.)  Anyway, the songs that play are by no means anything near what I normally listen to but I've found myself not hating all of it.  Actually, I've realized that some of it I actually enjoy.  (I realize of course that I will inevitably bore of them because they are played on a Top 40 radio station and are by definition Pop music, which leads to it being, almost by definition, something catchy enough to become popular, mainstream, and widely accepted and enjoyed, which then leads to it being, almost by definition, so catchy that it will be overplayed and become annoying, which only makes it worse because its catchiness causes it to become overly annoying without any extra help.)  But anyway, before I digress again, I found this song that I really like.  The thing is, it's definitely not something that someone who even looks remotely like me or behaves remotely like me would stereotypically enjoy.  But hey, I like it and that's all that matters, and anyway, who am I to judge, I work in a cupcake shop.  

But anyway, the song is "I Kissed a Girl" by Katy Perry.  For some reason, the song just sounds so good, it's got the right combination of attitude, witty lyrics, and catchiness for me to listen to it.

While I was at it though I also found some other music.  While playing HypeMachine I found some songs by Tegan and Sara, who I've heard of and listened to but never really bothered to acquire.  I've actually really started liking their music too, and along the way, realized that they are really attractive.  One song that really rings is "Back in Your Head".

Also, I've started listening to alot more Sigur Ros, strangely because of this.  While I was looking around I stumbled upon some of their music and it sort of reignited the fire and intrigue of their music for me.  This is the song that I ran into that night: "Gobbledigook".

So that's it for now; work is boring and tiring, summer is lonely, I wish a lot of things.

Change

It seems that the human mind is made to notice change. Changes in sound, movement, light, or any other senses. With a lack of change comes the dulling of senses and the substance of time and space ceases to matter. Time itself is the tracking of change.

One example rooted in physics is the perception of movement. Imagine yourself on a roller-coaster that has a passenger compartment that is completely closed off to the outside world. Assuming the track is perfectly smooth and there are no imperfections or bumps in the ride, the passenger will notice no movement as long as the compartment is moving at a constant speed. But if there is acceleration or deceleration the passenger will immediately notice. Acceleration is by definition the change in the speed.

There is the argument that speed itself is a change in position but without a change in light of other senses the passenger cannot determine position. There is also the argument that position in a constantly expanding or infinitely expansive universe is non-existent or indeterminable unless it is relative to something else, but even then it is a change in position relative to another object that is perceivable.

Anyway, my point is that this spills over into our lives and thoughts. 

(By the way, this last part is based on my experience alone, seeing as how I have no means of actually perceiving the thoughts of others.)

What I am talking about is how when a routine is set and nothing changes in one's life, experiences become monotonous and expected.  Events cease to happen and things cease to be important.  Nothing that happens is of note and nothing that happens is important  beyond a simple daily routine.  Eventually everything begins to blur together and life seems to be just going through the motions. 

Things begin to happen just for the sake of happening because they are part of the scheduled routine and lose their significance.  Eventually this leads to life feeling insignificant beyond the importance of simply moving onto the next part of the schedule or routine.

addition: Without change there is no life.  In the definition of life is the ability to adapt to change.  Without change however, the ability to adapt to it is lost and life is no more.